What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
