I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize
