After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
