I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Randomize
