My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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