My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
