You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize
