I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
