My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
one might say we're banned from that church
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
