My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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