Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
