he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
