Someone shit on the floor
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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