She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
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