I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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