textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Randomize
