he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Randomize
