You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
