How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
do herpes really smell.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Sooo i'm debating posing nude for the drawing and painting classes, I just wanna see if they draw my nip ring.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Randomize
