That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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