I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
