you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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