we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
