he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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