i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Randomize
