So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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