I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said
she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to
You KNEW her power was out...
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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