What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
