he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
