I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
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