No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
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