i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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