I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
