I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
