4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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