Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
