saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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