can we get nightvision for the apartment?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Randomize
