If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I have no idea. He was just running around wearing a horse mask yelling "bumfuck" repeatedly. We figured we'd just let him get it out of his system.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
