Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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