Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
