I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
