His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
That's how pantless uber rides happen
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
