Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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