My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
