I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
