Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
