Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
