I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
