Me too!
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
