My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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