there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
