i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
