Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
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