Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Randomize
