Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
