Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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