I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
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