then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
