there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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